The usual misconception about grief is that we only grieve or are allowed to grieve when we loss a loved one to death. But grief comes in many forms, and in many ways that we can relate to or have encountered in our lifetimes.
Ambiguous Loss
Ambiguous loss refers to unresolved loss – there was no closure which leaves you feeling stuck. This loss refers to someone or something that has changed. Examples of ambiguous loss:
- When family members drift apart or become estranged
- Dealing with divorce
- The longing for the parent or partner who is emotionally detached or unavailable
- Dealing with a family member or friend going through debilitating mental or physical illness
- When there is no knowing if a loved one is still alive (for example, a child has run away or been kidnapped)
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief refers to the distress before facing an expected loss. This happens when we anticipate someone or something to change or disappear. Examples of anticipatory grief:
- When we prepare for the loss of a life of a loved one diagnosed with terminal illness or approaching end of life
- When we prepare for the change in relationship dynamics (separation resulting in loss of shared life and planned future, when children move out of the family house)
- When we prepare for the change in work identity (anticipating job loss, approaching retirement)
Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief refers to grief that is not openly acknowledged or validated by society. This loss is usually regarded as insignificant or trivial which makes it difficult to cope with the loss. Examples of disenfranchised grief:
- Loss that is not related to death of biologically related individuals or romantic partners such as death of a friend, co-worker, ex-partner, pet
- Loss of relationships, hopes, and dreams (friendships and family breakups, miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, loss of health and mobility)
Secondary Loss
Secondary loss refers to an additional loss that can happen due to the primary or initial loss. It also refers to losses that result from the death of a loved one or other traumatic events, which heighten grief, psychological stress, and emotional burden. Examples of secondary loss:
- Losing familiarity (loss of breadwinner, finances, home, changes in lifestyles and daily routines)
- Losing stability and security
Delayed Grief
Delayed grief refers to the reaction to a loss that is significantly postponed after a loss, death of a loved one, or traumatic event. This can happen for months or even years. Delayed grief may occur due to the following reasons:
- Putting it off due to pressing matters, such as handling funeral service, taking care of other family members, catering to work and chores demands
- Unhelpful statements or expectations from others (although they may be well-intentioned), such as ‘be strong’, ‘they are in a better place’
- Cultural or societal expectations
- Still in denial of the loss
- Emotional suppression or avoidance in experiencing grief
Collective Grief
Collective grief is a type of grief that is shared by a group or community of individuals following a significant and often public event, such as natural disaster, war, COVID-19 crisis.
Why collective grief could be overlooked:
- More focus on individual experiences which can overshadow communal grief
- Societal expectations that people should quickly move on after a collective trauma
- Lack of recognition of collective grief
Addressing collective grief is important in:
- Navigating grief with support
- Fostering individual resilience and healing
- Reducing isolation
What happens if grief is avoided?
- Risk of developing complicated grief (prolonged period of grief that affects daily life and functioning)
- Depression and anxiety
- Excessive guilt
- Trouble focusing and memory loss
- Physical symptoms (loss of appetite, insomnia, nightmares, headaches, body aches)
How to deal with grief?
- Allow yourself to grieve. This also means allowing yourself to cry and process the situation. Give yourself some private space. Being human is to grieve.
- Connect with others by seeking support or getting involved in the same cause. It’s okay to feel waves of emotions whilst doing this initially. With connections come healing.
- Journal or unpack it with a counsellor or psychologist.
Stephanie is a licensed mental health therapist trained under Monash University. She has worked with clients dealing with unresolved grief, trauma, and relationships.